Never Saying Goodbye
by Vienna Warren
Summary: WARNING: SPOILERS FOR SEASON FIVE. Merlin has been in a state of deep depression since Arthur's death. Everyone in Camelot it seems is trying to help him, but to no avail. There is only one person who can have a great effect on Merlin and that's Arthur himself. But the king is gone... right?
1. Chapter 1

**AN - Hi, everyone! It's been forever since I've written an actual fanfic. I mean, been writing these pointless drabbles that no one reads, but those don't count! I'd really love some comments and/or suggestions/requests. I believe in improvement, so if I'm doing something that aggravates you as a reader, please tell me! Also, there's nothing more I hate than spelling/grammar mistakes. If you spot one, don't hesitate!**

A year's time had passed since the fateful day when the wizard lost his king. Merlin had thought of nothing else since and Arthur was permanently etched into his mind. Those last moments of him, he would never cease to remember.

* * *

_Merlin half-carried, half-dragged Arthur along the rugged path. They were both panting but the young wizard wasn't one to give up. They finally made it to the clearing before Avalon and stopped to rest. Arthur collapsed in Merlin's arms and he eased the king down onto the grass. "Merlin," Arthur spoke weakly, "it's too late." He was so broken. His forehead dotted with beads of perspiration, his face flushed and heated. Arthur was the very face of Death, though he was still alive. Barely. Merlin's fingers delicately brushed back Arthur's sweaty hair, then danced down his jawline where his hands rested on the king's chainmail._

_"All your magic, Merlin, and you can't save my life." he whispered through gritted teeth. "Shh... try not to speak. I'm not going to lose you, Arthur." Merlin put his arms under Arthur's and gently tugged him into a more comfortable position. The king groaned anyway, obviously in great pain. "Just... just hold me. Please."_

_Merlin felt tears sting his eyes but he angrily blinked them away. This wasn't happening. Not now. He rested his chin against Arthur's armour, welcoming the cold chill it brought him. The king's shaky voice brought him back to attention. "There's... there's some... something I want to say." Arthur said hoarsely, so quietly in fact, that Merlin had to lean closer to hear him. The tip of Arthur's nose brushed Merlin's cheek. "No, Arthur. You're not... You're not going to say goodbye." The wizard truly didn't think his heart could take it. However, Arthur weakly shook his head. "No... no... Merlin." He could barely speak his servant's name properly; Merlin's throat closed up tightly and he found that he could not breathe. Arthur's blue eyes were the only things shining about him. The rest of his body was tired and shattered. Merlin stared into his eyes, not ever wanting to break the glance._

_"Everything you've done... I know now..." Arthur gasped, taking in a tremulous breath. "For me," his voice cracked, "for Camelot... for the kingdom you helped me build." Merlin couldn't take it. "You'd have done it without me." he argued senselessly, earning a faint chuckle and a smile from his king. Oh, how Merlin loved that smile._

_Arthur cried out in pain, making Merlin anxiously shift positions, cradling Arthur's head in his lap. "I want to say something I've never... said to you before." The rise and fall of his chest was uneven and Merlin bit his lip. Arthur moaned softly before trying to speak again. "Th-thank you." Arthur murmured softly, turning his head to see Merlin more clearly._

_Merlin's eyes watered terribly. He desperately blinked, trying to bring Arthur's eyes and cheekbones into focus. Arthur shakily raised his hand to Merlin's shoulder and let it stay there. He managed to give his friend one last smile before his eyes closed._

_"Arthur. Hey. No. Arthur!" Merlin said loudly, placing his hand on Arthur's neck. Sparkling eyes greeted Merlin's as Arthur dizzily swam to consciousness. "Stay with me." Merlin ordered quietly. Arthur struggled until finally, his bright eyes disappeared behind his eyelids for the last time._

_"Arthur!" Merlin persisted, breath catching in little gasps. His fingers moved of their own accord, underneath Arthur's jaw line, searching for a pulse, a sign that somehow, his best mate was still alive. "Arthur!" Merlin yelled, crying out. He pulled his friend closer to him. Sobs racking his body, he called for the dragon. The warlock placed his forehead on Arthur's and waited, tears streaming down his face._

_After Kilgharrah arrived, Merlin could feel nothing. He was numb to the world. "There is nothing you can do." the dragon told him softly. With watery eyes, Merlin glanced up at him._

* * *

"Merlin!" Gaius shouted, throwing open the young man's bedroom door. "I've been calling you for ages!"

The young wizard blinked, suddenly aware of his setting. "Gaius? What're you..." he mumbled, sitting up from his bed and rubbing the back of his head. "The sun's already disappearing from the sky. You've slept the day away, again. This really is unhealthy, Merlin."

Merlin groggily stood up, swaying. Gaius hardly caught him in time. "Careful... slow down." he advised, helping him into a chair.

Since Arthur's death, Merlin had been a complete wreck. Gaius had expected the sadness to control his life for a period of time, but never did he think the grief would be plaguing him for this long. The warlock's hair had grown quite shaggy and nearly covered his eyes; it was long too, down past Merlin's ears. He seemed paler than usual, his face whiter than some of the tonics Gaius owned. All white, except for the dark shadows under his eyes, despite Merlin sleeping most the day. Most worrisome of all, the wizard had lost a lot of weight. His normally fitting clothes seemed to hang off him, baggy. Gaius was at a loss for words at first, but now he decided it was time to bring it up.

"Merlin," he started carefully, "we need to talk about something." The young man nodded, elbows resting on the kitchen table. After an uncomfortable silence, Gaius tried again. "I want you to start taking a draft I've made up for you. It will help with your... mood."

He carefully placed a glass of deep purple liquid in front of him. "You'll be taking it twice, once in the morning and once in the evening."

Merlin nodded numbly and drank the tonic. Gaius reached out and rubbed the wizard's arm comfortingly. "There you go, it'll be alright."

Before Merlin knew it, the sky had changed from a soft orange to a dark midnight black. He looked out the window, not sure what he expected to see. Not to his surprise, there were no stars shining.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN - I'd just like to say thanks to the folks who followed this story, because it's nice to know you guys are a little bit interested! I'll keep writing because I've kind of got a plan of where this is going, but if you'd like something specific to occur sometime in the story, you can let me know via PM! **

Someone knocked on the throne room door. "Come in!" Guinevere answered. Surprisingly, Gaius opened the door. "My Lady," he began hesitantly, "there's a matter I wish to discuss with you that is very important to me." He sighed. "Go on, Gaius." Gwen urged. "I'm listening."

"It's Merlin." the physician told her sadly. "Arthur's death has taken quite the toll on him."

Guinevere gave him a sad smile. "It's been hard for all of us, I understand."

"No, my Queen, Merlin has not been eating, nor has he had the energy to get out of bed. I'm very concerned for his well being because... he is just not himself and... I don't know what to do." Gaius admitted. Gwen looked at Gaius, really looked at him and noticed how truly worried the old man was. "Gaius, I'll find some time to talk to him, okay?"

The court physician nodded. "Thank you."

* * *

Merlin was fast asleep by the time Guinevere got to him. She softly rapped her knuckles against the wooden frame of his bedroom door, hoping for an answer. When she got none, she hesitantly opened the door. "Er... Merlin?"

The sight that greeted her was pitiful. Merlin was sprawled out on his mattress, snoring lightly. He tossed suddenly, groaning and tangling himself further in his sheets. Guinevere could only imagine the dream he was having. She quietly made her way over to him, sitting on the quilt. "Merlin?" she tried softly. He stirred, but didn't wake.

Guinevere's fingers lightly brushed his cheek. "Merlin." she said a little louder. This time, he awoke with a start, scrambling backward into the head of the bed. "M-my Lady." Merlin stuttered. "I was not aware you'd be visiting me today." he croaked sheepishly, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

"Merlin, you don't look well." Gwen told him.

"I'm fine."

"You're not. I can tell. How long have you been having the nightmares?"

Merlin paled even more so than he already was. "How did you... know?"

The queen of Camelot gave him a knowing look. "It's all over your face Merlin. I've known you for a long time and I can tell when something is wrong. You've been like this for some time, and I think I understand why."

Merlin frowned. "Please don't say it. I can't..."

Gwen waited for him to finish, for him to tell her exactly what the problem was, but he didn't. Merlin had never been so quiet in his life, it seemed.

"Arthur's death hit us all hard. It wasn't just a blow for me and you, it was a blow for the whole of Camelot." she explained. "I miss him very much."

Merlin's throat closed and he couldn't breathe. The words, "Arthur's death" kept repeating in his mind like a loop. "I can't talk about it." he said, wringing his hands. "I can't talk about it."

Seeing that Merlin was starting to get upset, Gwen backed down. "Okay, okay. It's alright." She untangled the young warlocks hands and held them in her own. "Merlin... come find me if you'd like to talk, I... I'm always here."

She departed and left, shutting the door gently behind her. Merlin crawled back into his bed, a sinking feeling in his stomach. Gaius knocked on his door. "Merlin? Are you ready for dinner?"

The young man turned on his side towards the wall, feigning sleep. He even snored a little, for good measure. Gaius either believed his act or took a hint, because the door shut once again, leaving Merlin alone to process the fact that the queen had just read him like an open book.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN - I know this is a quick chapter update but I felt bad because the last chapter was a little short. This one isn't super long, but it's something. Enjoy!**

Nothing was working. Gaius was sure Guinevere's talk with Merlin would lighten him up a bit, however, he seemed just as broken as before. They were sitting at the kitchen table together but the conversation was one-sided.

"This soup could use some seasoning, don't you think Merlin?"

No response.

"Maybe some black pepper?"

Nothing.

"When were you going to tell me about the dreams?" Gaius asked randomly, showing no emotion but putting a rather large amount of pepper into his soup. Merlin nearly choked on his spoonful of broth. Gwen had tipped him off.

"There was no need." Merlin stated simply. Gaius set down his spoon. "Of course there was need! Merlin, I can give you a sleeping draft, like I did for-" The man quickly stopped himself before saying 'Morgana'. "The point is, I'm worried about you."

"You told Gwen to talk to me, didn't you?" the young wizard shot back. "I don't need anybody's help! I'm _fine_."

Gaius looked taken aback by the outburst, but Merlin forced himself not to apologise. Why was he so angry all of a sudden? He finished his soup quickly, standing up to clean his dish.

The man cleared his throat. "Oh, Merlin, I did need some herbs from the forest, if you don't mind. My back is aching something awful. I fear age is catching up with me."

Merlin swallowed uncomfortably. "Fine. I'll be back." he said, retrieving Gaius' list from the table.

* * *

Yarrow, milfoil, alfalfa and bergamot? It was like his guardian was trying to send him all over the place. It would take almost the entire day to find those. It's not like he was going to do anything else.

He treaded lightly, taking care not to step on any twigs or loose branches. The habit made him think of Arthur, which caused him to stop walking. He pushed Arthur out of his mind hastily and continued. Suddenly, Merlin's ears twitched. He might've been stepping with caution, but whoever was following him wasn't. The young warlock whipped around defensively. His eyes flashed gold but he stopped mid-spell. It was Leon and Percival.

"Merlin!" they exclaimed together. "Fancy seeing you here." Leon added cheerily.

"Don't see what's so special about it." Merlin muttered, turning around to begin his journey again. Percival coughed. "Er, what're you doing?"

"Collecting herbs for Gaius." he said without hesitation.

"Do you need help?" Leon asked politely. Merlin snorted. "No thank you. Isn't there something you two need to be doing?"

"No, we've got the day off!" Percival explained. "So what are we looking for?"

Merlin sighed. There was obviously no way of getting out of this one. "You can help me look for alfalfa. The leaves are round and come in threes."

The three began searching together until Leon gave a happy shout. "Merlin! I've got it!"

Merlin turned around to see the knight with a fistful of leaves. The wizard quickly ran over to him and smacked the leaves out of his hand. "No, no, that was poison ivy!"

Leon looked shocked. "But, there were three leaves and-"

"The leaves weren't rounded, Leon. You should know better." Percival smirked and the other knight reached out to punch him on the arm.

"Can we carry on now?" the warlock asked in an irritated tone. Leon frowned. "Merlin, what's wrong? You can talk to us."

"Yeah. Especially if it has to do with Arthur because we know how it feel-"

Merlin spun on his heel. "Did Gaius put you up to this?"

Percival sighed and nodded. "Yes."

"No." Leon elbowed the other knight in the ribs. "He didn't, Percy is just kidding, right?"

Percival nodded unconvincingly.

"Why won't anyone just leave me alone?" Merlin asked aloud, sinking down to the ground. He put his head in his hands. "I just want to be alone, that's all."

After a while, Merlin looked up and indeed, he was alone. But not quite. Little did the warlock know, Arthur was watching him.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN - Apologies, first of all. This chapter is kind of short and it's also told in Arthur's point of view, so I hope that doesn't throw some of you off or get confusing... Secondly, yay! I can't believe I got so many responses to my story! Thanks guys! Lastly, ticktock, this chapter is for you! **

Arthur didn't remember much from that evening. It all seemed like a distant dream. He remembered being in unbearable pain, a sharp, constant, stabbing pain that made him sweat and cringe. Merlin was there too, wearing a face of worry. Arthur figured Merlin was probably anxious enough for the both of them. The one thing he did recall was Merlin holding him close, brushing back his hair and attempting to make him more comfortable. Dying was Arthur's moment of true weakness. For the some strange reason, he did not feel embarrassed about it. The last thing he could possibly remember before he passed was the desperate look in Merlin's eyes and terrified "Arthur!" he had yelled only seconds later.

Arthur regained consciousness a couple hours later, or so he thought. At first, he didn't know where he was. Sure, he had died, he knew that. But his current location was definitely not the afterlife. He was in a room of sorts, sitting in an uncomfortable wooden chair. Glancing around curiously, he noted that the room was extraordinarily messy: clothes strewn across the floor, stacks over books in every corner and a bed directly in front of him, piled high with blankets. Somehow, it felt felt familiar. Very familiar.

A most peculiar sound filled the air and all the blankets shifted. Arthur realised there was a person underneath them. Before he could say or do anything, the door opened. To his surprise, it was Gaius. Something was very wrong. Why wasn't he surrounded by his deceased loved ones on the other side of the veil? Where was Lancelot? His father? His mother?

"Merlin!" Gaius yelled, hastily tearing off the many quilts smothering whom he now knew to be his servant, Merlin.

The young man gave a shout as well and sat up quickly, his dark hair sticking up in every direction. Arthur was taken aback. His friend appeared to be very unwell. What with the great shadows under his eyes and his abnormally pale complexion, something was wrong.

"It's time for the ceremony." Gaius told him softly. Merlin's face didn't change. "Okay. I'll get dressed."

Neither of them had noticed the former king's presence. After Gaius had left, Arthur hesitantly stood up. Unlike in story books, he didn't hover or fly through the air. He stood on the ground as he did when he was living. His skin was somewhat transparent and had a sort of blue tinge to it. Arthur felt strange, however. He could feel things differently. Closing his eyes, he could sense the oncoming storm outside and it was going to be big. The rolling grey clouds gave off a certain electric feel and the air was humid and hot. After a while, he became more or less comfortable with his current state. As Merlin dragged himself out of bed, Arthur took a careful step forward.

"Merlin." he said hoarsely. Clearing his throat, he tried again. "_Merlin_."

His servant walked directly up to him. "Oh, thank Gods. For a second, I believed you couldn't-"

Merlin reached right through Arthur's body to open a closet. He retrieved his usual faded antwerp blue shirt, coat and trousers. He began to strip down to his pants and Arthur groaned and turned around courteously. "Oh Gods, Merlin, please put on some trousers." he instructed, ignoring the depressing feeling that his best friend couldn't even see him.

The young man humourlessly dressed himself. He slid on his typical boots and stood up, apparently ready to go. Arthur didn't know anything else to do but follow the lad like a lost child. Before they slipped out the door, Merlin retrieved his red scarf from his bedside table and tied it around his neck firmly.

The funerary ceremony for Arthur was surprisingly, not exaggerated. This was to his relief, in fact. It wasn't like he was a hero; Merlin was the real hero. He was the one who'd killed Morgana.

Guinevere was there, dabbing at her eyes with a finely stitched hankerchief while Leon rubbed her shoulder sympathetically. Actually, the majority of the party was in tears. Even Percival, who wasn't one to display his emotions. The one person not crying was Merlin. Arthur stood by his side the whole time and there wasn't a single whimper. He thought that to be odd and insulting. Arthur and Merlin were best friends, where they not?

After the ceremony, Arthur followed Merlin home. Nothing exciting happened. He stood by Merlin's side while him and Gaius ate dinner. There was no dinner conversation worth recalling. Two thoughts repeatedly going through his mind were, _"This is going to get dull fast"_ and _"Why am I still here?"_ Unfortunately, a year passed them by and the statement was proven wrong and the question was not answered.

* * *

Arthur had adjusted to life as a spirit. He followed Merlin everywhere, although that wasn't many places. He was lonely though and often talked to Merlin to ease his feelings of abandonment and sadness.

One day, he followed his friend into the woods to collect herbs. By this point in time, Arthur had almost forgotten the fact that Merlin didn't seem upset at his funeral. If anything, he had been hiding his true feelings then because his former servant was not himself at all.

It was nice seeing Leon and Percival again because he didn't see them often. Merlin hardly left his room, let alone his home. The knights were very obviously trying to cheer him up and get him to talk of his feelings but to no avail. Merlin had gotten upset and Leon ended up with what looked like a horrid case of poison ivy. The angry red rash had already begun developing. Arthur had laughed, relieved that there was something normal happening in his very abnormal life.


	5. Chapter 5

**AN - Unfortuately, this is the last chapter. I feel sad for ending it. Thanks to all who have and will read. I hope this final chapter suits you all! Thanks also to all who followed, favourited or reviewed this story. :)**

Presently, Merlin was still sitting by himself, underneath a large live oak. His thoughts kept drifting over to Arthur until he pushed them away. The sound of twigs snapping brought him back to reality. Glancing up, he noticed a fawn stumbling into the clearing on scrawny legs. Fawns reminded Merlin of stags, which reminded him of hunting season which prompted him to think about Arthur yet again. Abruptly, he let out a heart-wrenching wail. He gave up. "I miss you, Arthur." he sobbed, shaking. His head rested in between his knees, as though he were feeling nauseous. He continued to cry like an infant, his eyes and nose streaming. He had never felt such despair. All those months, he had kept his emotions inside him, a wretched letter in a bottle, up until this moment. "I m-miss you, Ar-Arthur." he repeated again, stuttering. "I m-miss you." Suddenly, Merlin felt a cool, soothing hand resting on his shoulder. He slowly lifted his head and turned over his shoulder. To his astonishment, it was the late king. It was Arthur.

"Merlin? Can you see me?" Arthur inquired, incredulous. Merlin let out a surprised squeak and abruptly stopped sobbing.

"I've been following you around for months but you haven't even noticed! I'm relieved that you can see me now. It's been very boring without talking to anyone. Well, actually, I have been talking to you, just without your knowledge really." he rushed, without stopping for a breath. Not that he needed on.

"Is it really you?" Merlin stammered, quickly running his wrist under his nose and sniffling. Arthur gave him a small smile.

"Yes. It's me." he replied, holding his arms out. "You have no idea how happy I am that you can hear me too."

Merlin stood up and stepped closer. He hesitantly reached his hand forward. "Can I...?"

"Touch me? Sure, but your hand is just going to go right through-" Arthur stopped. To his great surprise, his best friend's hand was clutching the chainmail he had died in. As soon as Merlin discovered this, he threw his arms around him and gave him a huge hug. "Arthur, I've missed you so much you stupid clotpole."

"I'm sorry I left you, Merlin. I still had so much to say." Arthur admitted sheepishly. "You were never a coward or an idiot really."

Merlin's jaw nearly dropped.

"You were even a good servant. That one man, George, had nothing on you, of course. And just so you know, I didn't mean to put you through that."

"But why are you still here?" Merlin asked, confused. "Shouldn't you be on the other side of the veil?"

Arthur nodded. "I guess, but I'm stuck here."

Merlin's face fell. Arthur hastily rephrased. "I'm not stuck here really, I just feel like I'm not _supposed_ to be here."

"Why then?"

"I figured it out a couple months ago. It's you, Merlin. It's always been you."

"Me?" Merlin inquired. What do you mean, 'me'?"

Arthur laughed. "Look at you! You look as if you've aged twenty years! Those shadows under your eyes, you're skinnier than a stick and I heard the conversation between you and Guinevere. Your nightmares?"

A flush creeped into Merlin's cheeks. "Ah, those..."

Arthur let out a big breath. "I think I need to help you... get over my death."

Merlin chuckled. "Help me get over it and then leave me again? Right."

The king put his hand on his friend's shoulder and they sat down together like old times. "Merlin, you know you'll be fine without me, right?"

The young wizard shook his head. "I'm lost without you, you know that. I have nobody to talk to."

A scoff escaped Arthur's lips. "Leon? Percival? Guinevere?"

"They're not the same."

"Merlin, you need to accept this. You can't bring me back and I can't stay here like this?"

"Why not?" the man pouted childishly. "You very well know why not. I'm a ghost! Do you remember when my father haunted the castle and what a disaster that was?"

A fit of giggles erupted out of Merlin. "Yeah and he tried to kill me. You know the last words he said to you were, 'Merlin has' before you sent him back. He was trying to say, 'Merlin has magic."

"Really?" Arthur laughed as well. The two sharing a chuckle reminded the both of happier times. Merlin's heart felt lighter and Arthur suddenly felt very weak. "Merlin..." he whispered, staring at his skin. It was clearly fading and Merlin realised it.

"Oh, Arthur." Merlin hugged him fiercely. "You can go. I'll be okay."

"I'm going fast. You live for me alright? You're going to have to do the living for both of us." Arthur added.

Merlin nodded. "I promise. Say hello to Lancelot for me. And if you see Freya..."

"I will." Arthur said, quickly disappearing. Merlin felt his eyes watering. "Oh, Merlin!" Arthur used the last of his strength to speak. "Thank you." he murmured, squeezing Merlin's pale hand. In the blink of his eye, he was gone.

_For the first time since Arthur's death, Merlin was okay. _


End file.
